Hello people of this site, it has been awhile. I hope all has been well and do apologize as I have not been particularly active on the web if not for Mafia Wars lol So here is the low down. About three months ago I began showing increasing symptoms of something I have had all my life called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now it’s not one of those things that is always readily apparent to understand. Essentially my mind makes up convuluted ideas and to prevent these things from happening I perform a ritual of sorts to elleviate the anxiety caused by this. Yeah sounds weird right. Try living with it.
It started when I was young and in elementary school. It was simply things like walking over the lines of sidewalks but escalated to making beds ten times in a row. It died down during the years and seemed to appear in my later teenage years. This time in the form of cleaning hands often as well as reading paragraphs multiple times. And lately it has been reading, moving things, checking things, etc. Just a lot more. I knew there was a problem. I was having odd emotions. Feeling guilty over things I should not, feeling bad about things that yeah I probably should have at the time but now in the future should not. So this new year it came to a point where I felt this coming at me. I could not place it. I thought it would all pass. It did before right? However it did not and things got progressively worse to the point where I would get suicidal thoughts. You know you have problems when…So I started seeing a psychologist. Now seeing a psychologist is alleviating in itself. It’s someone who is trained to listen objectively and they are trained professionals.
Going into it I thought I was just plain crazy. I had assumptions that I had OCD but I also tend to obsess over every ailment. Oh I see a link. Anyways I did not want to go in saying ok doc I have this, cure me. I explained my life situation with all the fun mannerisms I do and he just said you have OCD and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
I was happy to hear it confirmed. The evidence was there just not something you feel qualified to diagnose with absolute certainty on your own. I know, I tried. Oh I checked out google and found OCD sites but the more I read the more I thought I had all these signs. It even felt amplified. So in all help was needed and the facts had to come out.
OCD is generally a genetic disorder (wish I had a plasmid to resolve that) where your brain does not produce enough saratonin so your brain gets it’s wires crossed so to speak. You can try via therapy to resolve the issues and control your obsessions or you may take medication which is typically prozac, elavil, paxil, whatnot which are commonly used in depressions. Oh and usually depressions result from OCD as well as a side thing. Which is exactly what happened this week.
For awhile now I have had trouble focusing on just about anything. I was rip roaring with the hub, with school ideas, wanting to expand the family, fix the car, etc. Believe it or not this all did not help me at all. I would wake up tired despite 8 hours sleep and just go through the motions. Feeling detached. This week I just broke. I had started thinking of things two years ago and just felt horrible about it. Despite that all was said and done I still had the feeling but I could not control it. I had trouble keeping still and just relaxing. I would sleep but it was not restful sleep. So I decided to go to the doctors. My psychologist god bless him is on a three week cruise. Fucker! 😉
So the doctor provided me pills to sleep if need be as well as anti-depressants. It won’t kick in for awhile but it is a start. I also have to see a second psychologist as the clinic wants to absolutely confirm it but after me explaining everything to them well, it is pretty convincing.
Suffice it to say that is what has been keeping me hidden away. Lots of crying, lots of messed up emotions and some self exploration along the way. The best way I can describe it right now is that part of my brain tries to find anything in life that has bothered me or been hurtful and then keeps processing it in my mind. Sometimes it will just plain make shit up or keep running the event in my mind and try to analyze things to make it seem bad. Anything essentially to bother me. It is almost like a voice you have trouble tuning out. It’s very hard to deal with and understand let alone explain it to others.
I was very fortunate in the support so far. I first tried explaining the OCD to my parents about two weeks ago but they passed it off as being tired and I needed to rest. Guess thats the old fashioned way of doing things lol But when I talked to them this week after my break down and explained the process they seemed to be more ears because they visually saw the impact it was having. Everyday has been a struggle but it also shed light onto aspects of my life. My shopping tendencies, my obsession on the car, buying a house, buying a computer. When all these things or events came around it was never something I could do, I HAD to do it. I invested 100% of myself to these things. Some of it was just being selfish at times. That’s a sort of blessing of seeing aspects of your life over and over. You get to learn from all your mistakes and see what made you who you are.
I have had other things pop up which helped cause the depression. Some work issues like a person from HR who when I emailed in sick by accident replied to it thinking it was something else and saying that I was a retard and being a baby. That is just among many problems with my work but it made me realize I am just not happy there. And is IT what I really want to do. Problem is I have lots of ideas. The Hub store, I have an idea for a cafe restaurant, I am interested in human ressources studies (despite my bad experience lol) as well as mechanic since I have really enjoyed working on the camaro. But thats the crux of it all right now. Am I wanting to do a particular course or path or am I being led by an obsession / compulsion. It’s very hard to say and thats also what drives me batty.
Right now it’s taking the meds and eliminating the stressers and seeing how to better handle things to reduce the anxiety. Some days are ok but you realize at some point how much you beat yourself up on things around the house. It also makes you think sometimes you bite more then you can chew. In all OCD is a very real thing. It’s intriguing from a perspective to see how it works and scary when you experience it. But like my doctor said, it’s me VS it and the sooner I deal then I can beat it otherwise it will control me for life.
Rest assured I will be back online at some point in a better capacity then I am now. It’s just a matter of time. Oh and PAX is still on just in case any of you two started wondering. I need a vacation thought if I check the hotel door six times, guide me to the tv to distract me 😉