Tonight’s been quite the night. Actually, let me back up a bit, this weekend’s been quite tumultuous. It all started with Elly and I planning on going to Kingston, where her mother lives. I’ve met her family at other times, all except her brother, so this wasn’t really anything terribly new, except perhaps where she’d grown up.
Unfortunately, and partially thanks to Carl, I caught a really nasty bout of the flu and ended up couch bound. In the state I was in, it wouldn’t have been much of a good idea to go to Kingston when the weekend rolled around, so I didn’t. I didn’t want to risk making things worse. Elly was suitably disappointed.
The following day, she messaged me saying that if I wanted to salvage the weekend, I could drive out there. I still had a chance. I still felt like crap, though, so I said no and that I was sorry. Instead of sympathy, I drew fury. This made me wonder: did she really trust me when I said I was sick? It was understandable that she’d be upset, but angry at me, as if it was somehow my fault that I was ill?
I stewed over it for the remainder of the weekend, rethinking the relationship. It was no great mystery that I wasn’t in love, and so this event was really something that made me wake up and see that, if I couldn’t see myself with her in the future, then I really shouldn’t keep things going on longer than they have.
And so it happened. Painfully and miserably all-around. I wish it didn’t have to hurt so bad, and I’m really broken up about it, but I know it was the right thing to do, before things got more serious. All along, I felt half-hearted about the whole thing. Never in love, but always wondering when (if) I would be. That wasn’t fair to me, and it certainly wasn’t fair to her. I never want to inflict pain upon others, but I knew that it would never be easy.
Sorry if this seems rambly or unpleasant to read. I just needed to talk about it. I imagine it’s going to be the only thing on my mind for some time.