The Painful End

Tonight’s been quite the night. Actually, let me back up a bit, this weekend’s been quite tumultuous. It all started with Elly and I planning on going to Kingston, where her mother lives. I’ve met her family at other times, all except her brother, so this wasn’t really anything terribly new, except perhaps where she’d grown up.

Unfortunately, and partially thanks to Carl, I caught a really nasty bout of the flu and ended up couch bound. In the state I was in, it wouldn’t have been much of a good idea to go to Kingston when the weekend rolled around, so I didn’t. I didn’t want to risk making things worse. Elly was suitably disappointed.

The following day, she messaged me saying that if I wanted to salvage the weekend, I could drive out there. I still had a chance. I still felt like crap, though, so I said no and that I was sorry. Instead of sympathy, I drew fury. This made me wonder: did she really trust me when I said I was sick? It was understandable that she’d be upset, but angry at me, as if it was somehow my fault that I was ill?

I stewed over it for the remainder of the weekend, rethinking the relationship. It was no great mystery that I wasn’t in love, and so this event was really something that made me wake up and see that, if I couldn’t see myself with her in the future, then I really shouldn’t keep things going on longer than they have.

And so it happened. Painfully and miserably all-around. I wish it didn’t have to hurt so bad, and I’m really broken up about it, but I know it was the right thing to do, before things got more serious. All along, I felt half-hearted about the whole thing. Never in love, but always wondering when (if) I would be. That wasn’t fair to me, and it certainly wasn’t fair to her. I never want to inflict pain upon others, but I knew that it would never be easy.

Sorry if this seems rambly or unpleasant to read. I just needed to talk about it. I imagine it’s going to be the only thing on my mind for some time.

8 thoughts on “The Painful End”

  1. Sorry to hear things didn’t work out between you two. Life does have a way of surprising you when you least expect it. Sometimes you feel and know that you want to go left, but then you turn right instead.

    In this case it would be obvious that she would be upset, but she has to understand you being sick is not your fault. You don’t handle sickness well, if you had pushed yourself to make the trip you’d be bed ridden an extra week i’m sure.

    Sometimes you need to set aside what you want for the people you care about. You may be disappointed that they can’t join you for certain events, however you can’t blame them when it comes down to a question of health.

    I totally understand that even if it was not love, it is still never easy to break up with someone. The feeling of hurting someone can be tough to bare. Just don’t give up, or feel that there is no one out there for you. Pain always fades. It is there to remind us that nothing in life worth having comes easy. And life without risk is not worth living. Gotta take your chances and try and hold no regrets. Life is built up out of the experiences we have, the good and the bad.

    Just remember, you’ll always have us! Take that for what it’s worth, lol. Hang in there, we’re here for you.

  2. Thanks, Neil. It means a lot to hear that.

    I don’t think she blamed me in the end, she was just frustrated and expressed it poorly. And it just operated as the catalyst to remind me that perhaps this isn’t the relationship I want to be in. Pretty much since day one, I’ve felt that it wasn’t going to be long-term, and yet it was comfortable to some degree. So it went on, for a bit too long, I’d say. But I wanted to be sure. Maybe I just hadn’t found the love yet, but I think I was fooling myself into avoiding any anguish of the inevitable breakup, and in the end I made it harder on her than it needed to be.

    I just want to start a new day and have this all be a distant memory. I want to move on.

    I suppose it goes without saying that you can expect me online a lot more often from now on.

  3. So now we have big spoon, little spoon and middle spoon 😉

    In all this will be an experience that will help you find what your looking for. We are the sum of our experiences after all.

    I’m one of those people who think things happen for a reason despite it not always being apparent at the moment.

    I know with Marie and myself were in a better place then we were 10 months back but it took going through a lot of pain to get there. At the time I was ready to throw in the towel at points but we pulled through it and learned a lot from each other. In retrospect it probably needed to happen otherwise down the road things would have just exploded and it would have been ugly.

  4. I’m really sorry to hear about all this Curt. And trust me when I say, I know it can hurt like hell, but every day it gets a little bit easier and a little brighter. And I agree conmpletely with Carl on what he said, it’s all just part of the journey. As Carl used to always quote: “Without the sour, the sweet just isn’t as sweet.”

    And Neil’s right, as well. If you felt that things weren’t going to go anywhere, then you made the right choice. And yeah, second-guessing is going to be the worst of it, take it from the lord of self-deprecation. But the important thing to remember is the positive side to it. You did what needed to be done before it caused serious problems. And now you can both move on, it may be slow going, or it may not, just do your best not to dwell on it. And remember, most of all, we’re all here for you if you need to talk.

  5. Thanks, John. And you’re right, as the days go by, I’m feeling much better and more confident in my decision. It was painful, but it would’ve been that much more painful had I waited any longer to break things off.

    And I’m very thankful and very glad to have you all around. Sometimes it’s easy to feel alone.

  6. Tell me about it. That’s always been my biggest mistake, is to fool myself into feeling alone, when I’m so clearly not. I’ve lots of great friends and family to help me through the rough spots. Same goes for you.

  7. So true. Whether we realize it or not, we’re all still friends for a reason.

    I was checking out some dating sites again last night, and I was actually getting excited by the prospect of some of the girls I saw on there. If I was truly in love with Elly, and mistakenly broke it off, then I doubt I’d be feeling like that. So that’s reassured me a fair bit.

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